I just woke up from a long sleep after a tiring late night at the office. Passing by living room, from a quick glimpse, I saw a visual of crashed plane with blue and red stripe. My transition to wakefullness concluded AlJazeera is recapping some news from the previous crash. Then I saw the headline "Breaking News'. 

I am just too terrified, saddened. My heart broke with unanswerable frustation. Our grievances over MH370 has never stopped ever since, our heart break crying for our people in Palestine, Myanmar, Pakistan, Syria, our worries over kidnapped marine police is ticking and we are even worry when we have to set curfew over Sabah eastcost. And now with MH17, we are baffled, our tears rolling for our national carrier, our tears rolling for our people, our tears rolling regretting what have happened. 

As much as we expect Najib to stand loud and register Malaysian' grievances at the UN we do not want the extremist to get away with impunity. We want a safe peace world for our generations to live. This will take a long time. We need to strengthen our economy and we need to govern our own country well. Lets develop our children, make them a lawyer, a doctor, an engineer, an expert in science and technology, a business people, a tactical soldier and police and most importantly to set their foundation right in the path of iman. And it's time to spring clean our role.

The last 2 weeks have really gone unproductive. I didnt scored much in terms of works. My baby had a slight fever so I had to take days off. I was understandable worried and couldnt let her off under other's observation. It was then when she had it alright (Alhamdulillah), my mother down with severe fever and considering she's an asmathic, the recovery process takes longer than a normal person. It is when both of them are back on track, its' my turn to start off with sinus infection. Then after a day, I started to get an occasional low fever. I tried to be in the office however my focus was deviate. So yeah, today am taking a medical leave hoping on speedy recovery so that I can back to work. 

Later this morning, the urge to write coming because on the self-loathing for failing at my job.  It is not easy to spend a day at home when I know the capacity of workloads my department are bogged down with. I feel not alright for not be able to contribute and participate. On the other hand, I find myself floating in the circle of guilt. I feel guilty to have think about work when my focus should be pointed to my baby daughter. I think its' the same dilemma every working mothers are bothered with. 

I used to have a stand that these are all fallacies. As a competent individual, we should be able to deliberate our options in order to tackle every shortcomings. Experience it myself, to my dismay the exhaustion has slowly deprived my energy. I am too exhausted that I can fall aslept in the office, woke up, puzzled and baffled why am I here, how did I reached here? Only after seconds that I realised am actually in the office for work! 

I guess its' about time and my toleration level when it comes to home versus office. I have to set my priority right and at the same time to lowering down my expectation to have it all at one time. Maybe one step at a time, I dont know. My career is too precious to squander however, family is far too precious to be taken for granted. 

#growingparsleyinthekitchen